Welcome to the National Football Conference storybook. Today, we look into our crystal ball and try to guess the fortunes of 15 teams. Ready?
We begin our tour in Washington (12-4), where, despite the team’s success, Redskin fans revolt after owner Dan Snyder institutes a “restroom
Privilege tax” and “stadium exit surcharge.” Moving on to Philadelphia (9-7), the Eagles look like a rapidly improving club that will play with
Passion and be booed MERCILESSLY by the home crowd. New York (7-9) showcases their nifty “throwback” uniforms this season. Too bad
The “ny” on the helmets stands for “not yet.” Dallas (6-10) looks like a complete mess this year. Gee, that’s really a shame. Finally, we come
To the traditional laughingstocks of the East, Arizona (4-12), where the Bidwill family’s proud legacy of dynamic leadership continues
Unabated. Phoenix residents can look forward to the arrival of the Mayflower trucks by season’s end.
Over in the Central division, Tampa Bay (12-4) should win easily. Look for Warren Sapp to inspire his teammates in week 9 by EATING the
Atlanta Falcons. For unknown reasons, I see Detroit (10-6) finishing second. Hey, they called Columbus crazy too and he discovered CHINA!
Minnesota (9-7) should be a bombs-away, whiz-bang , point-a-rama extravaganza. But enough about their defense. Chicago (7-9) was once
Known as the “Monsters of the Midway.” Today, they play more like “Gentle Ben of the TV.” Like rapidly aging cheese, Green Bay (7-9)
Is beginning to develop a distinct aroma of DECAY.
Want to know the real reason St. Louis (12-4) has become so good? Team owner Georgia Frontiere offers players “personal psychic
Counseling” after losses. Deep in the Bible Belt, Reggie “I Hear Voices” White is sure to upset Carolina (9-7) teammates in week 5 by
Refusing to pass-rush Troy Aikman. “I heard the rumors,” the noted homophobe explains, “and I ain’t touchin’ that man.” Desperate to
Energize the notoriously funereal Georgia Dome, team executives from Atlanta (7-9), introduce electrically-charged “zap” seats and
Replace “Dirty Bird” with “Cuckoo, the Wake-Up Bird.” In New Orleans (5-11), Ricky Williams strides off the Superdome turf to the
Thunderous cheers of adoring Saints fans after a 206-yard performance in week 7. Later, he tells reporters “those skank bitches need to shut
The fuck up! I hate them, I hate you and I hate this dirty ho town!” Finally, in San Francisco (2-14), 49er fans are mortified to watch
Their “defense” give up 496 yards passing and 259 yards rushing in bye week “friendly” vs. San Mateo Cub Scout Pack 237.